The Day The Music Died

Ladies and gentlemen, it’s true.  For you see, today I took back my iPod for a refund.  What iPod?  Oh yes, I haven’t posted for ages have I?  Well then, let me take YOU back…

WARNING – the following is a very long rant about an iPod and a little about Apple in general.  Please understand I am not a Microsoft fanboy, nor am I an Apple hater – this is just my experience of Apple.

It’s Saturday, 11th December 2005.  Graham has £220 to spare on his credit card, and has been thinking for a while about giving in to the iPod generation.  I always wanted one – not because they’re cool, not because they’re Apple, but because they’re the best.  My first MP3 player was a PC, but it wasn’t exactly portable.  Next came one of my old mobiles, but it wasn’t exactly up to the task.  Finally I moved to a dedicated player, albeit one that played mini CDs with MP3s on.  It worked like a charm for a while, but the problems that plague portable CD players soon reared their ugly heads and so it was replaced by a little Creative flash player.  It works great – apart from the headphone problem that they’re all susceptible to – but there’s another major downside to it.  Storage.  I’m a lazy person, and I have A LOT of music on my PC - it’s hard to decide what I want to listen to, and then copy these off to fill the 256MB of memory I have on the MuVo, and I’d get bored of this selection a few days later.  There’s no simple way of filling it with random songs.  It was only bought as a stopgap anyway.

Now I could afford an iPod.  Yes, that holy grail of portable MP3 players.  Colour screen, photos, movies, iTunes!  No other player came close – some even cost more with less storage space and features.  Madness!  I had been debating it for sometime, and even though one person tried to steer me well clear of buying one, my mind was made up.  Normally I make my purchases online, but something told me to go to the Trafford Centre in Manchester and buy it there.  This, my friends, is where the problems began…

Darren had presents to buy for someone, so off we went.  Traffic getting there wasn’t too bad, but parking in the place was a nightmare – we drove around and around the same complex a number of times, and had to stalk a father and daughter to get a space.  Inside it wasn’t as busy as I thought it would be though.  Straight to the Apple Store, and this was were all the people were.  Hoards of them swanning around the iMacs already set up for their perusal.  Looked around a bit, I found cases for iPods (I’d heard about scratching so I bought one online earlier.  £25 it was, but I wanted a premium case for such a premium product) but no iPods themselves.  Found the counter and the Genius Bar, but no inclination on were to pick one up.  Darren helped matters further by shouting across the store ‘he wants to buy an iPod!’ and ‘where are the iPods?’.  Very amusing.  Eventually I found staff for the store (there were security guards but I didn’t want to ask them – they looked the strong, silent type).  The man asked if I new which one I wanted, which size, which colour, and if I had a case for it (did he know about the scratching issue too?), and with all answers ‘yes’ he congratulated me, and pointed me to the counter were the boxes seemed to have appeared from nowhere.

Seeing as the shop was so packed I was surprised that the queue was so small – within 1 minute I was being served.  Strange looking young lad – quite short.  Then he spoke.  Problem here – loud music + incomprehensible Manchester accent = bewildered Graham.  Darren had to translate for me!  Don’t know why, but he ended up talking about how great working for the shop was, like he was trying to get me to join for the Xmas rush.  I wasn’t having it – I just wanted my iPod and then I was on my way, cute Apple sports bag wrapped around my hand.  I felt sorry for Darren – he wasn’t able to get the gifts required, and then in the returning car journey and then arriving home all I did was play with my iPod.  Well, I love my gadgets.  Out the box, marvel at how small it actually is, bask in it’s beauty before I slam the protective cover I’d already bought for it.  I want as few scratches as possible, and that polished mirrored back is going to suffer!  PC on, iPod in and… nothing.  PC recognition problems – the damn iPod had crashed, the bloody thing wouldn’t respond to anything.  So, only powered on for two seconds and I need to reset it – not a good sign.

I spent hours trying different levels of charge, USB ports and songs, but the crashes and random resets continued.  They even started to corrupt the music already copied to the iPod – imagine if I had took the time to copy 20GB of files to it, then another 5GB on a separate occasion, and it did this?  20GB lost in an instant – not acceptable.  Tried to format the thing with the special software, but no – that refused to format, and rendered the iPod useless.  On the website I found extremely useful advice (sarcastic much?) such as ‘unplug all other USB devices’ and ‘disable USB 2.0’.  The latter involves going through My Computer, disabling the improved benefit of USB 2.0, restarting the PC, logging back in, formatting the iPod (slowly with USB 1.0 speeds), re-enable USB 2.0, restart and log in (again), and then launch iTunes to put music on (it takes as long to do as it sounds!).  Did it work?  Well the restoring did, but it just kept crashing all over again.  Let’s test it on a tried and tested setup I thought, so Lee gladly allowed me to go round to his house where his iPod has synced successfully for a whole year.  What do you know, it worked (apart from the video feature not working for a bit)!  Back home and it worked as well – it was fixed!  Until the next day, when again the problems returned.  Got really fed up and thought there might have been a problem with my operating system, so reinstalled Windows XP on a separate partition and installed ONLY the iPod and iTunes software.  Same problems.  I could have called Apple.  Noticed there was no e-mail support on their site, which is ridiculous!  Even tiny companies can communicate via e-mail, why can’t Apple?  With regards to telephone support, I had 1 complimentary support call to use within 90 days of purchase – after that it would be a charge of £35 per call.  WTF?  That is robbery!  Don’t think I’ll be calling them then!  Time to take it back, but it was now Xmas so I’d have to wait until after the holidays.

Holidays over, Thursday 29th December 2005, and I get ready to return it.  But I still want an iPod, so should I refund it or replace it?  Well, I can’t keep going back to the Trafford Centre so I thought I’d just get a refund and buy it online when the refund came through.  Then decided I’d go with the repair option, and filled all my details online.  But wait – ‘product has no warranty’?  You’re kidding me – I only bought it around two weeks ago!  ‘If you believe you have a warranty, fax your proof of purchase to Ireland’.  They wouldn’t continue to process my repair request until this was received, then it would take a week for either a repaired or refurbished iPod to be sent back.  Yes, that’s right – ‘refurbished’.  Second-hand, in other words.  Don’t think so.

Thankfully Lee came round and offered to take me to the Trafford Centre again so I could get a refund.  I was unsure if I would because it had a 14-day refund policy, ending on the 25th December.  Nice work guys – how can I return it when noone’s working in the shop?  Anyway, because of the time of year the motorway was heavily congested and the car parks were all completely full, with queues going back to the motorway, so Lee parked in the ASDA – just a short walk away.  Back in the Apple shop I was again confused as to were I should go for a refund, so I just went back to the counter while Lee pretended he didn’t know me – he couldn’t associate with someone who was returning an Apple product!  Small queue again, and oh no!  The same guy who I bought it from is in again, and he was finishing with another customer!  I was begging that someone else would come to my rescue, but no – he was free.  Twat.  Here now follows the conversation we had, as accurate as I can remember with no exaggerations.  My responses are in normal type, his are in italic, and actions and observations are in (brackets).

How can I help you?
I’d like to return this iPod.
Da ya pai bi ka?
Excuse me?
Did you pay by card? (Translated Manchester accent to English).
Yes.
Okay, what’s wrong with it?
Well, as soon as I plugged it into my PC it crashed and had to be reset.  Then when syncing with iTunes it kept crashing and restarting – this happened on two different PCs (well, two different installations of Windows, almost the same thing).
It’s probably just the USB cable.
But the iPod itself is crashing – the screen goes black and shows the Apple logo, then restarts.
Hang on – do you want a refund then or a replacement, because if it’s faulty you should just get a repair.
To tell you the truth I do want an iPod, but it’s not easy for me to get to the Trafford Centre – I don’t have my own transportation so have to rely on other people.  I’d rather just have the refund, because I can’t keep coming back and forth should I have other problems.
What computer is it?
Excuse me?
What computer is it?
(I look at him puzzled) A PC.
No, is it Windows 98, XP, what?
Oh, Windows XP (which is the Operating System – not ‘computer’, you idiot).
Alright I’ll just take it into the back to have a look.
(He goes into the back, leaving me standing for 5 minutes)
There’s no music on this.
That’s right.
Well, have you had any music on it?
Yes – I restored it before I brought it back.  I thought I’d save you a job (he didn’t seem to like light-hearted comments.  In truth I’m glad I restored it – he probably would have looked at any pictures I had stored on the device)
Okay, do you have your MasterCard?
(I hand him my card, which he slams into the card machine.  If it hadn’t have gone all the way in first time it would have snapped, no doubt about it)
Was this a Xmas present?
Yes it was – it was for me, but I had to buy it with my card as I had the money for it.
(He checks the contents of the packaging – VERY thoroughly.  At least he knows what he’s doing here.  He then gets a colleague to help him on his notebook which they use instead of tills, then goes into the back again, leaving me standing for another 5 minutes)
Do you use antivirus?
Yes.
Which one?
Norton.
Ah, that’s why.  Antivirus software detects it and will disconnect it.  It’s like a removable hard drive (strange – I’ve got a removable hard drive, and Norton doesn’t have any problems with that, and that holds many other file types than just music, photos and music).  I’ve got McAfee and I have to disable it to sync the iPod (what?  Disable the antivirus software?  I don’t think so – what ridiculous advice.  I wouldn’t like to be on his e-mail contact list – I’d receive so many worms in my mailbox from him!  Oh yes, and Lee’s PC uses McAfee – no problems there.  Remember that fresh copy of Windows I installed?)  The other PC I tried it on only had Windows XP on it and the iTunes software – nothing else installed – and it still crashed (ah ha!  Stumped you now you little runt!)
So I suppose you’d still like the refund?
Yes (duh!  He checks the packaging AGAIN!  He gets to the little Apple stickers they provide as well – get ready for another attempt from me at being light-hearted).  See?  I didn’t even get a chance to use the Apple stickers!
It’s a good thing – you wouldn’t have been able to return this if you had (I scan his face for signs of humour).  Seriously – we wouldn’t have taken it back (he was being serious!)
(He proceeds to put a yellow sticker on the box and S-L-O-W-L-Y writes down information, whilst he gets his colleague again to help him out with the process.  He passed me the card machine but doesn’t tell me what to do with it for another minute)
It hasn’t accepted your card for some reason (he looks at the machine, and realised it has timed out, so he puts the card back in.  What do you know – it works!  I enter my pin and remove the card – he finishes with the yellow sticker and puts the iPod in a huge box with loads of other ones.  Clearly I’m not the only one with problems.  This guy doesn’t seem to understand though – as if he’s hypnotised to love Apple and believe all of their products are flawless.  He throws away my receipt, prints me a new one and hands it to me)
Goodbye (with a little wave)!

Christ, what an ordeal!  This whole process took around 15-20 minutes – what service, eh?  And while I was waiting through all this, I witnessed problems with their products being marketed as simple to use – it has attracted the simple customers.  One woman couldn’t grasp the idea of a plug, whereas another asked which was the best iPod case for her Nano – I noticed one of the two was actually for the iPod 5G with Video.  I had to hold back the laughter.  Thankfully the ensuing drive with Darren and Lee was enjoyable, but I won’t go into that – this post has a theme, and I’m sticking to it!

Back home I decided to look about getting an iPod online, and my options to return it should I not be happy with it.  14 days to return it again, okay, returns only made by courier collection, well that’s good.  What’s this?  I have to foot the bill?  How much?  £40!?!?  What if the same thing happened again?  I’m already out £25 for the case I bought (it’s too late to return that) and then I’d be out another £40 for the courier?  It’s going to the Netherlands?  So, iPods are designed in California, made in China, returned to the Netherlands, and if you need to provide proof of postage then that goes to Ireland?  Why?  I’d probably get charged £35 for the telephone call as well!  When you add up the fact that you basically HAVE to get a case for the iPod because of scratching issues, and that there are companies founded on removing these scratches, it starts to look a lot like a ripoff.  Don’t forget as well that the batteries are non-replaceable – either pay Apple to replace it when it eventually dies (more money, more money) or get it done elsewhere, risking your iPod’s functionality.  All these signs blatantly point out that Apple just don’t care about their customers, all they want is profit.  I know this is true of most companies, but never in my life have I used a company were they try and fleece you out of as much money as they can AFTER you’ve bought their product, and make it so insanely complicated and costly to get problems sorted!  Apple’s main rival is Microsoft – one quick visit to their website and there’s an option for writing in to them, phoning a national-rate number (Apple’s is national-rate too, plus an extra £35 per call!).  I’ve only called Microsoft once and my query was dealt with in minutes – this was actually on a freephone number, at 4am in the morning - Apple’s telephone lines close around 8pm!  Oh yes, and don’t forget Microsoft also provide FREE e-mail support!

I’ll say it again – I’m not a Microsoft fanboy, and I’m not an Apple hater.  But it’s clear to see who truly understands customer service out of the two.  Yes Microsoft’s products are dominant.  Yes Apple’s are better looking and don’t crash as often, but Apple have the luxury of just designing for their own platform – Microsoft have to design for an infinite number of configurations, AND provide support to back it all up!  I curse and complain when Windows crashes, and when the next version of the OS is delayed yet again, and I always will – but at least I can get support easily if I need to.  If Apple stop being greedy and start actually trying to help their customers’ needs, they may avoid a backlash from their users who have sense.

What now then?  It doesn’t look like I want an iPod does it?  Well, we’ll see.  I still wouldn’t mind one that actually worked, but at the moment I’m not impressed with their service should it not.  Surprisingly, all this commotion has led me to unlock the potential of my little MuVo – Creative have made software which, like iTunes, can fill the device with random songs.  Except this has no problems.  This might be a fresh new start for my little flash MP3 player…

Until next time – always check the service options before buying from any company, but especially Apple.

What Walks Down Stairs, Alone Or In Pairs

And makes a slinkity sound?  A spring, a spring, a marvellous thing.  Everyone knows it’s Slinky!

Well, after that last post I just had to write about something fun and light-hearted.  I recently found an old Slinky I bought years ago – I think it’s a Skittles one, it’s all multi-coloured (taste the rainbow and all that crap).  Who would have thought in this age of technological marvel, and with my gadget-loving mind, something as simple as a Slinky could leave me wanting more, and make me run up and down the stairs for no other reason!  No one else seemed to be interested in my family, which I thought was very strange.  Milly shot off like a rocket when she saw it in action, and I think Bruno wanted to eat it (as usual).  Whisky sadly was nowhere to be seen, not that something like this would impress her anyway.

It was a welcome break to relieve the stress I suffered last week in work.  Monday was fine, but from then on it was relentless.  I’m surprised I survived with slivers of sanity left in me!  Every day brings me closer to a stay at Pleasant Acres.  Saturday was great – I arranged to go to Lee’s, and we laughed and talked all night long.  He seems to think I didn’t enjoy myself, but here’s something to say about it – after an incident with another friend, we went for a drive to clear the air.  Not long after I’d gotten in the car I needed to go to the toilet (damn Lee’s water!  And I mean tap water, not his literally!).  Did I say anything?  No, I was enjoying myself far too much.  My bladder could have burst right there in the car and I wouldn’t have cared, and I’ve probably reduced my future ability of getting wood, but it was worth it.  Lee probably wouldn’t have appreciated the mess though.  Or the fact that I might need Viagra in future ;)

Sunday was quiet – watched The Stepford Wives and Sky Captain, both excellent films.  Couldn’t bring myself to watch Envy – one that Lee had recommended – because I noticed Adam Sandler in it.  I’ll give it a try soon, I promise.

Today was an absolute howler in work.  A new starter called Eddie joined the flock, we all had the lights off in the back office, I actually got some work done and we called a few colleagues with hilarious consequences!  Plus it was snowing outside, but by the time I went on lunch it had all but disappeared (.  Ste’s fine, I know he hates me mentioning his name in this blog, so there it is.  I sought his advice on an iPod – I’m thinking of spending money very soon, and I knew he’d come up with an argument against that device.  Currently it’s a toss up between an iPod 5G, GameCube or DivX DVD Player.  Sorry Max, but I haven’t thought enough about a Nintendo DS, and as fun as Mario Kart sounds, I never played my GBA much, so I don’t know if handhelds are my thang.

Finally finished filming my second attempt at a film in The Movies, despite my PC crashing and me losing about half an hour of work on it.  I like the fact I was limited to making it in the 50’s – it gives it quite a look, but it’s been a long process making sure the scenes were bright enough, and coloured correctly!  Not to mention trying to make it cohesive – my first film made no sense at all, and jumped all over the place!  All it needs now is some terrible voice acting from yours truly, and it’ll be a B-move to forget!

Until next time – buy a Slinky.  They don’t crash (well, in the electronic sense) and don’t cause you to lose work!

Better Best Forgotten

What is this country thinking?  I am, of course, referring to George Best – a man made famous for no reason.  Did he cure a disease?  No.  Raise awareness for something worthwhile?  No.  Change the world for the better?  No.  Kill someone?  We’ll come back to that one in a minute.

No, ladies and gentlemen – he is famous for playing football.  A little ball filled with air, kicked around on a field by a couple of blokes who then get homoerotic in the showers afterwards.  Let’s get this straight – I don’t like football, I DETEST it!  Please can someone explain why watching an hour and a half of angry Neanderthals run aimlessly around is considered entertainment, whilst their every action is commented on by more Neanderthals?  Not forgetting of course the Neanderthals who discuss in great detail before, halfway through and after a match, all the intricacies of said actions.  It’s a corrupt business of backhanders and deals that if ever taken to court would lock a lot of people away for a long period of time.  It also promotes aggression and rivalry with rival teams, and this leads us nicely to the hooligan, a product born out of the ‘beautiful game’.  What a wretched class of beings.  Unless a footballer is very good looking, then I’m not interested in the slightest.

George Best certainly didn’t catch my interest, so I fail to understand the obsession people have with him.  Unless you’ve had your fingers in your ears you’ll know he’s dead, but why all the commotion?  As soon as the media caught wind that he was ill, they were like vultures circling wounded prey, yet praising his accomplishments.  What accomplishments?  He kicked a ball!  Big whoop!  Who gives a doodle?  Counting the minutes till his death touched a nerve with me – I never liked the man, but this was just wrong.  And what an outpour of emotion when he finally did go – grown men crying, celebrities saying what a great man he was.  Was he the saviour reborn?  No, so shut up!

Let’s take a look shall we?  Firstly, he played football – no need for idolism here.  Best British player – what a clever play on words too.  We’ve already established the insignificance of football.  Let’s move on.  Next, he was a bloody alcoholic.  Again people – AN ALCOHOLIC!  Should you see someone without the limelight he undeservedly garnered, you too would be less blinded by the lights and look on in disgust.  Drunks are disgusting, violent and need to be rehabilitated – not worshipped.  He was also Irish, fuelling a long-running stereotype that all Irish men are alcoholics – not very nice at all.  He gambled and womanised.  Yes, this truly is a role model for our children.  Here you go little Jimmy, here’s a couple of quid – go bet on a few horses and rob women of their dignity by sleeping with them and leaving them for the next one.  He was also convicted twice for drink driving, 20 years apart.  Lord knows how many times he wasn’t caught, and what damage he could have (or did) do.

The thing that really grates on me though is that he had liver failure.  Really?  You don’t say!  Serves him right.  But what happens, he gets a transplant.  This poor excuse of a man is given a second chance of life.  Don’t get me wrong,  I would have respected him if he had learned the error of his ways, and lived his life after this a bit better.  But what does he do with his brand new liver and life?  Goes out and gets drunk, and acts like a vile human being.  Well, that was great use of an organ – give it to someone who will appreciate life with every breath they take, or shove it in the waste bin that is/was George Best.  Way to go there fellas whoever made that decision.

So here we are, three days on since his death, and he’s still idolised, still making headlines and still on the TV.  When will the people of this once great country open their eyes and realise what a waste he was.

Until next time – if you’re given a second chance, use it – don’t abuse it

Breathe

I would have posted a few entries tonight but my mother has got the central heating AND fire turned on, and my sister is slowly killing herself and everyone else with a cigarette (plus she won’t shut up talking), so they will have to wait until tomorrow.  I feel itchy and can’t breathe in my precious oxygen – I need to get out of this house!

Until next time – mental note: blog a little earlier, Mr McLeod

It's A Long Way To Tipperary

Kudos to Darren for the inspiration for that title – more on that in a minute.

What’s my weekend been like (plus Friday and Monday)?  Well, quite a mix.  Friday I was in ecstasy – it was own-clothes day in work for Children In Need, and I didn’t realise what a difference it made to me in work!  I was much more chatty than usual, and a colleague told me they loved me!  Better stick with shirts and ties in future…  That night I was just in the mood to curl up in bed with the Queer As Folk DVD that LOVEFiLM had sent me – I was shattered and fell asleep.  It must have been all that blood rushing to my ‘head’.

Saturday was a bust – Wendy’s CD didn’t arrive on time for her birthday (mother had missed the first attempt at delivering it on Friday), but mother’s hi-fi came, so I decided I’d the TV corner – it’s not quite as bad as my PC corner, but it comes a close second.  That took ages but it was worth it, until the next time someone thinks it’s funny to remove one wire from the back of the equipment, then wonder why nothing works anymore.  Women – stay away from technology.  Missed bits of X Factor as well, but Sky+ recorded it.  Good thing too – apparently there was a short clip of Shayne shirtless – must check that out.  In slow-motion.

Sunday was good – Darren came round, and it was great to see him again.  I put him on my latest game, The Movies, and after a few niggles he was making a masterpiece.  It’s not as random as my first attempt was, but it has it’s moments, and he didn’t do it in the main game part (note to self – do it this way in future).  What iced the cake though were his little bits of dialogue – including the song that inspired this posts title.  I haven’t laughed that hard for a long time – probably not since I practiced Lee’s Starbucks order.

Monday, well, it was quietly hectic.  I had things to do, but didn’t get much of it done.  Computer changing, e-mail sorting, extra jobs and meetings did their part in it.  It was a good day though – I did my usual more than fair share of work, yet still noticed the entertainment that surrounded me.  Outside the fog and ice successfully made me a happy bunny, and although their repeated attempts to reduce my visibility and make me slip failed, they didn’t dishearten me.  No, the trip to ASDA with mother did that.  I haven’t had any time to work on my latest movie disaster, or blog as much as I wanted to.  Oh well, there’s always tomorrow.  I’ve been listening to a lot of Gary Barlow and Hedwig – must watch that film again soon.

Until next time – where do I go to request that good-looking guys should be banned from wearing shirts?

Mistify Me

Wow – look at that, punters! It was very misty today, and what does everyone do? MOAN! It looks cool and spooky, and everyone wants to go back to weather that has no foreboding presence. Well I hope it stays, and stays for good – it’s a really freaky situation walking down the street, and people coming suddenly out of the fog. You’re unable to see the long walk ahead, which has always depressed me. It’s as if the Earth is one big computer game, and someone has turned the viewing distance all the way down.

Until next time – avoid that man who came from the sea with the hook in his hand

Blame It On The Weatherman

Why do we still have incompetent weathermen?

In a world of increasing scientific advances and seemingly never-ending technological improvements, I fail to see how weather reporting has become far less accurate than it used to be. Only a few years ago I remember checking the forecast before venturing out into the big bad world, and it was almost always right. It’s only an educated guess, so it can’t be 100% accurate, but it sure used to be mostly on target.

Where did it all go wrong then? I know the buzz phrase on everyone’s lips – it’s all down to global warming. But is it really? The media is quick to pull that line out of the bag, but I’ve never really witnessed scientists reporting it en masse. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not disputing that it’s happening – but this fast? I’ve heard scientists talk more about that we’re overdue for global events, like an ice age, more than they have about global warming.

My theory? Weathermen have gotten lazy. They just don’t care anymore about what they’re supposed to do, instead deciding that things need to change. Well, they certainly have changed, and it wasn’t a good one.

It all started when they thought the dialog was outdated. Out went the phrases we all knew and couldn’t fathom at all, and dumbed them down to preschool levels. I do not need my weathermen telling me to take an umbrella outside – that’s what mums are for. After this came the weather symbols themselves. Yes, the old ones were very cartoon-like, but at least you could make them out! It’s gotten to the point now where even by going right up to the TV set doesn’t help you understanding what the Hell it means. Is that rain, sleet or fog? The latest cosmetic change is with the entire map itself. First the BBC thought it would go ‘all modern’ on us, with a tilted view of the United Kingdom, and perform a flyover during the forecast. Sounds interesting, but when you take the view from the Equator then the south of England is nice and big, but head up North and into Scotland and you can’t make anything out – the perspective makes it that much smaller. I’ll complain about the North/South divide all day long if provoked, so Beeb – don’t tempt me. Thankfully they listened to the controversy, and changed the angle somewhat. But they didn’t fix the flyover. The first time I saw it, honestly, if I suffered from motion sickness I would have vomited all over the carpet. What on Earth is going on there? This is 2005, and the animation is so jerky it looks like the early text adventure games when they introduced drawn locations. But at least we can rely on ITV? Wrong. After seeing the changes the BBC made, they went and made their own as well – dumbing down speech, changing icons and 3D flyovers all over the place. Ooh look, we’re going through the rain – I’m so impressed. GET TO THE PART ABOUT TELLING ME THE WEATHER!

Another thing – why do the weathermen always say ‘beautiful’ when the weather outside is sunny, and ‘miserable’ when it’s raining? Have you asked your audience if they like sunny weather? What about farmers – they like a bit of rain every now and then, do you hear them complaining? It’s as if they’re patronising those of us who don’t conform to their idyllic standards. Everyone’s different – a lot of people just don’t like sweltering heat non-stop. Not that there’s much chance of that kind of weather this time of year, but to hear them stating every morning that it’s cold and therefore an unhappy day, well, it really annoys me. I swear, the next time I hear someone say that I’m going to e-mail the channel and complain. Really, I am.

My biggest gripe of all though? The cop out answers that ALL weathermen give now. Every day all you hear is ‘sunny with some odd showers’ or ‘possible showers followed by bright sunny spells in some places’. WTF? Even I could’ve guessed that! We live in the UK you fools – of course there’s going to be a bit of sun and rain. Not every day though! Go back to your maps and study them again, but this time for longer than 5 seconds – and don’t come back on air until you’ve actually thought about the possible weather for that day. It’s like they’ve studied at the Nostradamus school of predicting – make lots of them, and make them as vague as possible. Leaving them completely open to interpretation and your predictions are bound to happen – because they haven’t advised of anything in particular or in great detail, then unless there’s a completely different weather outcome, people will think they’ve been informed correctly. More fool them, I guess.

Right then, let’s recap – it’s clear the recent changes didn’t work out. AT ALL. Either change them back to how the forecasts used to be, or actually think about another way to present them. After being in the business for so long, making such major cock-ups is just plain sloppiness.

Until next time – don’t forget to take your sunglasses and lotion, umbrella, coat and hairspray.

If You Buy This Biscotti Your Life Will Be Better

Starbucks. What a place. Where else could two people’s needs be fulfilled so easily? Lee, a hot coffee man, and myself, a cold frappuccino fan. A place that specialises in serving premium coffee at premium prices, but you don’t mind when the quality is that good. But when they start adding biscuits, desserts and cakes to the mix, things start to get a little ridiculous.


That, my friends, is what Lee ordered to eat on Sunday. Looks like cheesecake, and surprisingly it is. Looks like biscuit, but that’s where they’ve got you. It’s not biscuit, it’s biscotti. How much you ask? My educated guess is around £12.74 for the ‘biscuit’, and £31.96 for the cheesecake. Lee seems to think the biscotti was around 95p and the cheesecake between £2.80 and £3, but the poor dear was never very good at math, so we’ll ignore those. My estimations are far more accurate.

Biscotti. Yes, make strange Italian-sounding words, that’ll give it more flair and panache. Same with their so-called panini, and names for the sizes of coffee. Want small, regular and large? Sorry, no can do – it’s Tall, Grande and Venti. What on Earth is going on there? When was a small cup of coffee, nay, anything small, tall? Never! It’s all a conspiracy I tell you! Just yet another status symbol, like the names of the desserts to make people feel all superior and sophisticated. Shame it’s really naff when you think about it – try going in to a McDonald’s and ask for Grande fries. Or Ann Summers asking for a Venti dildo. I promise that you will feel uncomfortable (especially if you actually use it for it’s original purpose! Those fries can be quite salty).

Oh well, I suppose because of the surroundings it sort of fits in with their ethos, and in a kooky kind of way it works. Plus it provides me with never-ending amusement at my inability to order the simplest items from there – Hayley knows what I’m talking about. I have spent far too much time ballsing up the order when practising – one of these days I will be up at the counter saying ‘can I try again? I’ll get it this time’. It must never happen though, lest a repeat of the Subway incident occur. I can’t help it – if people ask do I want something, I’ll usually go along with it. That time I ended up with a submarine-sized sub, and it’d be the same with coffee!

Until next time – I like my men like I like my coffee – cold, sweet and full of cream. I think that’s how the song goes...

I Never Really Loved Them Anyway

Three words.  The.  Conway.  Sisters.  I am of course referring to ‘that Irish group’ from The X Factor – a show which left me dumbfounded on Saturday.  Of all the tripe that is currently still in the current line up, the public decide they don’t like Maria or the Conway Sisters.  Well, I applaud them for not voting for the latter, but for the former – well, I cannot forgive them.  I haven’t heard the original version of Brown Sugar, but I absolutely adored Maria’s version – I really love this song now.  And then the Conway Sisters sing Hold On – one of my favourites – and they slaughter it.  There is no excuse for that diabolical representation of a Wilson Philips classic.  But the audience cheered, and the judges stroked egos, which was a fatal flaw.  And so it was left to the idiocy of the ITV1 audience – something which has been proven far too many times to exist.

Chenai also fell victim to the votes as well, when more deserving people were ripe for the picking.  Journey South, Nicholas, and of course, the Conway Sisters.  Was it the Irish Mafia?  I seriously doubt it, but I do agree with the fact that Maria went because of were she came from.  For who had the deciding vote?  Louis Walsh – an Irish.  At every opportunity he spouts on about Irish this and Irish that.  Sure, there’s nothing wrong with praising talent from where you come from, but Louis is just in a league of his own.  Add the fact that he’s so far up Simon Cowell’s arse that it’s unhealthy, and you’ve got a wrong decision set in stone.  Don’t take my word from it – the boo’s from the crowd straight after the announcement, the media backing, and the revelations that are coming to light about the group of Corrs rejects – Maria, you’ve gotta see her…  And the Conway Sisters – you’re days are numbered.  C’est la vie.

I really shouldn’t let myself get drawn in like I do, but I can’t help it.  And what are my alternatives?  Strictly Come Dancing?  Please – quick-quick-slow, turn-turn-kick.  I don’t think so.  Go outside?  With all this bird flu business going around?  I think I’ll stay home, thank you very much.

Until next time – Beware of little leprechauns who are a little too close to people who wear high trousers.

In My Room

I suppose you’re wondering why the lack of posts on my blog (and to Darren and Lee, why I haven’t visited yours for a while).  No it’s not laziness!  Or apathy!  Or procrastination!  Or something that sounds similar!

I was tidying my room.

Let me clarify for the few who have yet to enter ma chambre.  It’s small.  Really small.  I can’t convey to you just how small it is.  Okay, I’ll try.  Stretch your arms out on both sides – imagine another hand at the end of one of yours, and that’s the width of my room.  Now, with your arms still out, this time imagine another arm at the end of one of yours – that’s the length of my room.  Told you it was small.  Add a bed, TV table and two bedside tables and it’s even smaller.  Back when I was a child it was known as the junk room – where junk was stored.  Because I have two sisters, they had to get the bigger room, and my mum had a room of her own, so I was left with that undecorated mess.  Thankfully as a young child I don’t recall having too many items (although there was a giant wardrobe which dwarfed my tiny living space).  Fast forward two years later to the current day, and I’ve got the most items that specifically belong to one person in the house.  But still, tiny room.

I let it get in such a state that I booked last Thursday and Friday off work to get it done in time for Christmas, but even after those two days and taking some time through the weekend sorting it out, there is still an awful lot to be done.  Just like was the case with my PC, I need more storage space for my bedroom – only then will I be able to have places to put things, and get them out of god damn plastic bags!  I thought beforehand that I’d sell a lot of stuff on eBay that I didn’t want, but it didn’t really turn out as I had hoped – I’m either still using or unable to sell most of the stuff, or throw it away for that matter.  How much do I have?  Well, once emptied out (minus the furniture and TV) all of my stuff in that room take up both my mother’s and sisters’ bedrooms.  I’ve got so little space that I’ve got my own corner of the living room for more of my items.  It’s that bad.

I suppose I should just accept my fate – until I am blessed with additional acres I am resigned to live in zero space, with zero storage and maximum clutter.  No wonder I only use my bedroom for sleeping and the occasional night-time television viewing.

Until next time – you will all have bigger rooms than myself, but even if you share yours with others, you are still far better off than I am.

Ch Ch Ch Chipper Day(le)

That’s right – today I felt strangely chipper!  Was it because it was a Monday?  Was it because I was on the desk with Gill, James, Linda and Phil (alphabetical order – only fair)?  Was it because I knew I’m going to be off this Thursday and Friday?  Who knows, all I do know is that it was a good thing!

Despite the day seeming very long, and the fact that a steady stream of calls came through, I enjoyed my working day today.  Late lunch as well – at home to boot, which probably added to the euphoria.

Lee’s been giving me website advice again – take one course at Uni and you’re a bloody expert!  Firstly he recommended I add a counter to my webspace – I’ve only gone and reset it yet again.  If only I spent more time actually building websites and less resetting my webspace, maybe I’d get them finished – maybe even started!  He also advised I update the external links on my blog, and make them funny to boot.  I already had this planned for yesterday actually, I just left it too late to action.  So there are now more links, and who knows what is what.  Finally he commented on my Blogger profile, where my user details had fallen to the bottom of the page.  I’ve put them in a wonderbra and you won’t believe the support it gives it!  They’re now higher and firmer than ever.  Try and shake the screen – they don’t bounce all over the place!  I think I understand why straight men like them so much now, but for slightly different reasons!

Been thinking of gifts for Christmas for my close family – haven’t got round to thinking about my close friends yet, but I will do soon.  I haven’t really ever done much for Christmas, so I want this year to be different.  Let’s get into the festive spirit – ‘tis the season!  We were discussing about putting up the decorations in work today actually – I was all for it, but the long afternoon seemed to drain some spirit so the idea never saw light.  Soon though, it will.

Spoke to someone new today on MSN.  I logged in (shock horror!) and there was a new name wanting me to add them.  I thought ‘why not’ and let them.  Turns out it’s someone that Darren’s been speaking to from Faceparty – he seems very nice.  We only have a passion for games in common at the moment, but as Paula and MC Cat say, ‘opposites attract’!  I’ll have Darren questioning me no end now to find out what was said and my thoughts – let’s see what I tell him, shall we?

Also got a rather sharp e-mail from Friends Reunited – I felt as if I was being told off by it actually.  ‘URGENT REMINDER – YOU HAVE A NEW MESSAGE WAITING FOR YOU!’.  No need to shout now dear.   It was from an old schooler Kathryn – she’d messaged me a while ago, but when I replied back she didn’t return the favour.  It was to do with e-mail addresses, which I thought as much.  Glad to hear she’s doing well – it’s nice to hear good news from the civil people.

Right then, dilemma – should I stay up or should I go to bed?  Well, first I’d better post on Lee’s and Darren’s blogs.  Then I’ll probably stay up for a bit of telly – only watched The Simpsons when I came home from work – then it’ll be night night from me.

Well, was it worth posting?  Perhaps?   Was it worth reading?  Perhaps not.  Maybe something more blog-worthy will happen tomorrow.  Time will tell…

Until next time – where in the world is Carmen San Diego?

Fly By

Flutter byes, eh?  Pretty little things, closely related to ugly-as-sin moths.  But now also the name of one of my favourite films.

The Butterfly Effect.  This little movie has been sitting in my LOVEFiLM queue since my sister Wendy went to see it in the cinema.  She seemed to enjoy it.  It arrived in the middle of last week, but like Lee with Saw and RHPS, I just couldn’t bring myself to watch it.  Was it the fact that it sounded a bit soppy?  Was it because my sister liked it?  Or was it because the main character was played by Ashton Kutcher – the twerp from ‘That 70’s Show’?  Well, after the Bonfire Night blitz, and after watching the 2005 remake of The Amityville Horror, mother and I decided to give it a try.

Wow.  What a film.  There aren’t that many films that I have seen that keep me in awe and dig up some emotion in this hardened shell of mine (whatever).  The trailer, the synopsis, the bloody poster art do not do this film justice.  And I’ve hardly heard anyone speak of it either!  Crime!  I was sitting through this amazing piece of celluloid, literally squirming, shocked and on the edge of my seat.  And that ending!  Well, my hand was up over my mouth in sheer disbelief – I normally leave myself open to enjoy the ride, and this film clearly took me on one.  It reminds me of Donnie Darko actually, another great film.  Even though this one doesn’t deal with tangent timelines and ‘receivers’ (which also means it’s not as complex and in need of an external explanation), it still is a cleverly crafted story which should please anyone who likes that film.  Ashton’s role in it has also made me like him more – and not just because of the fact that he is shirtless in the film at some points, and makes me go phwoar (although it does help!).

As always, if I enjoy a film I will see what others thought of it online.  It currently has a score of 7.7/10 on the IMDb – very commendable – but many people criticise this score, saying it’s far too high!  Maybe they’re too simple to enjoy a film of this calibre – they seemed to shoot it down wherever they could.  But maybe they don’t like the fact that it’s ending isn’t the de facto Hollywood sap-fest that it usually is.  Apparently the theatrical release of the film had scenes cut and a completely different ending – the DVD version is the director’s cut, and from what I’ve read and seen from the deleted scenes, I’d say the director’s cut is far beyond the theatrical release.  Sure, the ending of either isn’t particularly ‘happy’, but the original ending is just so powerful and made me very emotional.  No I did not cry!  But I was gob smacked, and it got me thinking about things.  I’ve got a feeling it may creep up and haunt me every now and then – not many films do that.

Until next time – please see this film.  And writers of the sequel (yes there is a sequel – currently set for release in 2007), please make it at least as good as the first.  Difficult I know, but try!

Bang Bang...

That Hayley shot me down…

Bonfire Night – one of my favourite nights of the year since I was a child.  The fireworks, the noise, the smoky night air – I love it all.  Well, not the little shits who misuse fireworks and make dangerous fires.  I got worked up yet again on Friday morning watching GMTV and their newspaper-style journalism.  ‘Ooh look, someone’s been hurt by a firework.  It was young thugs you say?  HATE HATE HATE, BAN BAN BAN!’.  I noticed noone even mentioned the fact that he looked and sounded like said thugs, and that he was probably involved, not the helpless ‘passer-by’ they were making him out to be.  I know, I know – he could just look like one anyway.  But then I looked at his t-shirt – it had a God damn marijuana leaf on it!  He must’ve been about 10 years old, with his mum by his side – and noone mentioned it!  The cretins!!!

So there I am, all ready and set to go on Saturday.  Lee doesn’t call me though till just after 6pm to discuss going – note that the Pier Head and Sefton Park displays both start at 7pm, and they’re both a nightmare to get to regarding people.  He tries to say it’s my doing, that I never told him it was at 7pm – strange that I text him the time in the week, and he made plans with other people he knew as well.  Go figure, eh?  So we go, and have a fun time in the car – normally I don’t like queues but I didn’t mind them this time, I was too preoccupied by the fact I had noticed myself feeling very autumn-ey.  It’s happened very late this year – curse you sun!

Parking was a nightmare, but we might as well have stayed in the car – there were wet leaves on the ground, and I screamed like a little girl!  I don’t like unfirm ground beneath my feet when I can’t see them, it’s just not right!  Even though the fireworks didn’t start till late, we ended up missing most of them anyway – either because of trees or looking at the ground.  Plus little screaming shits who were flashing torches in my general direction!  If only I hadn’t forgotten to bring my pepper spray…

I didn’t even get a proper chance to speak to the additional people we met up with – Gareth, who I’ve met before, and Kim and Steven (or is it Stephen?), who ended up slipping on his arse down a very steep and slippy slope.  As he so eloquently put it, ‘women with prams and Zimmer frames, and I’m the one who slips’.  Did I go down it?  Fat chance!  I stayed put for the mere seconds the display lasted for, then had to be coaxed down a firmer part by Miss Ellis – still skidded a bit though, which I repeat Lee did not get my adrenaline going!  Just like the time in Wales and the Lake District, it was not a pleasurable experience!!!

Driving back in the car, and all was calm, all was quiet.  We got stuck in traffic on the way home, and Lee’s car decided to throw a stinky – we all thought it was the mud!  I liked the new people anyway – seem like a good choice of people.  It’d be better if we met up in more hospitable surroundings.  And even though it stands as my worst Bonfire Night so far, I still stand by what I said Lee, and you don’t have to do anything to make it up to me.  Although, ask me again in a couple of years or so – I may be gagging for it!

Until next time – prepare, prepare, prepare, prepare, and then repeat it again, again and again.

Another One Writes A Post

What is it this weekend with my friends and multiple blog posts?  Either they need to cut down (only kidding), or, more likely, I need to keep on top of them more often!  Unless they prefer to be on top – whatever, I’m easy.  I’ve got a few topics I want to cover myself actually, so let me warm up my photocopier!

Until next time – which is better – quality or quantity?

You say goodbye, and i say hello

Hello hello! I don't know why you say goodbye, i say hello.Okay then, i know why you say goodbye, but wait! I'm back! Probably only for a handful of posts as usual, but who knows? This is also my first blog by e-mail - ladies and ladies, this post is coming directly from my bed! Doesn't it make you feel all dirty inside?

Monday, eh? Halloween is the third most-celebrated holiday in this country apparently. You could have fooled me. I saw NOTHING! Come on people of Britain, turn your homes into haunted houses, your gardens into graveyards - make me spooked! I know you're all dying to compete for the best decorated house (xmas is just not enough!) so this is the perfect opportunity! Where are all the scary films as well? I went to see Saw 2 at the cinema with darren and lee - don't get me wrong, it's a great film (one scene in particular was a definite squirm moment for me) but it's not very scary. Don't even try and fob me off with the supposed recent scaries from japan, like the ring. I'm just not frightened by some hammy actor trying to look scared while the colour turns to black and white and someone beats a bloody drum. Arty farty? Yes. Keep you up at night? No. Let's set the record straight - just because the film is in another language doesn't make it great. My experience of them is as follows:

People talk. A lot. In foreign.

Meanwhile i'm missing out on all the action because i'm a) reading words at the bottom of the screen, and b) trying to make sense of the bloody thing! Poor translation is rife! Ahem - let's move on shall we?

Tuesday - don't really remember much. Went to work, paid my dues, went to bed. Next!

Wednesday - very nice mini-dream as i was snoozing this morning. Let's just say it involved someone i still have an infatuation with despite my best efforts, being without his shirt. What can i say - i'm easily pleased. Just the slightest thing can light my fire more than any amount of nudity. What is it with me breaking the pc's in my new job? I've been there three months now, and the pc i'm using just continues to make a mockery of me. I use my pc at home to do much more stuff at once, yet that isn't crashing every five minutes and crawling like a geriatric turtle. I'm not one to moan *coughs* but it really shouldn't be that bad! And i'm not exaggerating!

Had a lovely visit from the ever-welcome darren, who regailed us with his usual mix of wit, charm and song. Tried to back his phone up on my pc, but did it work? No. Note to darren - don't forget to bring round your box of tricks next time. Also learned he's getting an ipod shuffle - looks like i'm the last one to hop on to the bandwagon yet again - i'm planning to get one of my own soon. My pathetic infatuation reared it's ugly head for darren to see as well - i was sifting through what i thought was darren's backed up calendar, but it was an old one from my phone, and a certain entry stayed on the screen for what seemed like an eternity, and despite my desperate efforts mr melling saw it. I need help.

Right then, i'd better sign off - my thumbs might get tired soon, and this post has took me a lot longer to type than normal. Strangely though it's been more enjoyable to enter, but that's probably because i always send mammoth texts anyway. I'd better finish before my phone crumbles with the amount of text onscreen and all the new words i've added to the dictionary!

Until next time, always check what calendar you're looking at when friends are over

Your (Halloween) Song

It's a little bit spooky,
This coffin, inside,
I'm one of those skulls who has,
Recently died,
I don't have no body,
But, man if I did,
I'd come to your house, where you've,
No chance to live.

And you can tell every body,
This Halloween song,
I may have just killed you but,
Now that I'm done,
I hope you don't mind,
Being in the meat grind,
But I had to, I'm cursed,
How dark the afterlife is,
Here in the underworld.

Trick Or Treat

What will it be?

Return Of The Mac(k)

What's this? Do your eyes deceive you? No, dear reader, it really is another blog post! But what's been happening in the time since my last post? Well, here's a brief catch up of some of the major events - Lake District, new friends, new job, birthday party. Not much really - nevermind

Anyway, just thought I'd make an entry for my Wednesday. Started out wrong - got up late but amazingly got into work for 9am, quite an achievement. Quite a few calls came in so that kept me busy. Had my regular rant with Mr O'Neill at lunch - it beats paying a psychiatrist, that's for sure, and plus this way I get my very own superiority complex! More work, then home

This is were things got interesting. Lee and I haven't seen each other for a while, and mentioned in a late night chat last night on MSN that we need to get together again. So to the Trafford Centre we decide, when who should knock on my door minutes before the off? Lo and behold, Lady Melange in drag - and she makes a pretty convincing Darren, let me tell you! So he tags along too. Cue the ever so fun clothes shopping that I just love to do (ahem) - not really, but the comedy moments made up for it - mostly involving Darren's behaviour and Lee in the dressing room. No totty at all there either - hugely disappointing on that front, although someone else did have an admirer, whilst another had a hater

One the way back one of us made a revelation - I won't say who, or what, but I'm happy for them. It's about time!!! You know the drill by now anyway about the rules of the car

Back home, and we're treated to more of Darren's admirers on FaceParty - if only they knew of the slating they receive from Mr Melling. Oh well, they'll find out when they log in and hear it from Darren himself :)

After everyone left I watched the Apple event video. The new iTunes phone is piss poor - Motobotolotorola are an awful make, and it just looks like they've added iTunes as a Java application - what a breakthrough, eh? Ooh it pauses on incoming calls - my last phone which I bought two years did that. 100 songs as well? Pitiful. The new iPod Nano though - wow, that thing is incredible! It's so small and feature packed. Expensive, but aren't they all? I'm impressed, but I'm still holding off in the market - my MuVo is still catering for my needs, albeit awkwardly. I love the way Steve Jobs can make little catchphrases for the products though - great technique

Right then, I'd best be off to bed - I've got a training day tomorrow for my job, and I've only been there what now, over a month? :) Nah, I had a bit of training over that period, and what with changes being made and people being off it wasn't the best time! Glad I'm there though - I just hope I can shine!

Until next time - Happiness lies in your own hands, it took me much to long to understand how it could be - until you shared your secret with me

Don't Stop Movin'

My word, if I had to describe the past three days in one word, I’d have to say hectic. As I wasn’t in for most of last week in work I’ve had a lot of work to do, a lot! On top of that more work was added daily, and extra tasks for people needed doing. But I’m getting it sorted now, I’ve prioritised (ooh!) my workload and now I’m seeing daylight from my desk once more. I’m surprised I’ve been able to cope, I haven’t given myself much sleep at all each night either. Less than 5 hours a night in fact, so tonight I’m going to bed straight after this entry is up. Seriously.

Nope, not even going to play vib-ribbon like I did last night. God that’s a fine game, I need to play it more. With my CDs though, that’ll be interesting. Why aren’t there many games like this being released? They’re bursting with originality and yet most people ignore them. If only they stayed open to new experiences once in a while. Oh well, their loss I guess. Ste made the wrong move of shouting praise of the FPS genre, something I despise. What followed were pages and pages of why they’re the downfall of society – never get into a debate with me, I seem to love them. He’s said now that he just did it to wind me up, which I do believe, because he isn’t the first and most certainly won’t be the last. But as I told him, I just go along for the ride myself these days. Also gave him more info than he could ever want today about the SNES PlayStation project with Sony and Nintendo, and actually surprised myself at how much I knew. I must be a retro fan.

Speaking of Ste, had more lunch breaks – very good. And now the little shit’s found my blog, so who knows what I’ve typed that he’s now read. I’ll have to re-read it myself sometime, but not tonight – must bed early!

Darren visited on Monday – always a pleasure. He browsed Faceparty and we watched a few clips of Victoria Wood. What a great comedian, why did she disappear? Retirement perhaps? Bored of the Barry and Freda song? Whatever it was, it’s a great shame. Went with Lee to B&Q yesterday as well – that was interesting, the place is huge! Looked for shelves for my room but I couldn’t find any. Oh well, I’ll make do with the new storage boxes that arrived today. My God, the box they were in was massive, and when I opened it it was like those bloody Russian dolls, with a slightly smaller box inside! I think they look pretty snazzy – they’re not exactly what I was expecting, but I’m fussy, and they’ll match my room’s look so that’s a plus. Just waiting for my new computer parts to come on Friday, then I can sort out some of the crap in my miniscule room.

I’ve been so pissed off this evening, I’ve snapped at mother and probably my mates too. My earphones are packing in – the left wire must be damaged because it keeps going on and off, and it’s getting on my freaking nerves! I never realised how much I relied on them, but thankfully I don’t cheap out on the ones I buy so they last for ages! Luckily mum’s going to St. Helens tomorrow as well, so I’ll send her to Argos while she’s there for my replacements. And sooner the better! At least it hasn’t affected my attitude in work – I was more talkative than usual today, and that’s a good thing. Yvonne’s back tomorrow, and wants to see the pictures from the Lake District trip. I’ll have to add an entry about that ‘ordeal’ – I must keep the feelings I felt for posterity.

Right then, I’ll be off – get some more sleep. I probably won’t wake up at all now! I’m debating whether or not to have my TV turn on in the morning as an extra alarm clock – this morning I could’ve sworn Tony Blair was in my dream, and when I woke up it was the BBC Breakfast News. Maybe I’ll turn it to another channel – ITV1 with GMTV, perhaps?

Until next time – Raindrops falling on me, I have no umbrella.

What's Up

It's been a while (again), hasn't it? What's been happening then since I was sick and tired? Well...

I turned down getting drunk! Shame on me! I was planning on going to Christine's for a general night of JD, but things took a turn for the worse at the very last minute. I'm not one for pulling out of things at the last minute (ooh err!) but I got a phone call which changed it. After spending 2 hours trying to find out what was going on, I got a call back from Christine - her and Tom had been in town, and were bringing someone back to the house. A total stranger - that's nice. I would have to spend the night in a house with someone I knew nothing about, and Darren wasn't staying either, but that mightn't have made much difference anyway. I haven't told them why I didn't go, I made up a sad excuse of a headache, but I just wasn't in the mood to debate it. Why should I feel bad about not wanting to be left vulnerable with a stranger? I don't know, it shouldn't have mattered, but I wasn't in the mood for it. Thankfully Lee had called earlier too, and offered an invite to his if I changed my mind. So what could have been the last night of my life in Christine's turned into a fabulous night with Mr Ellis. We talked, we laughed, we confided - it was definitely something I remember for quite some time, in more ways than one! I obviously don't need drink to have a good time, it's all in the company I'm with.

I've been to Ste's house. Yes, that's right. He was bragging about his PC (I'm just jealous, really) and asked if I wanted to go to see it. This was Monday, by the way. I'd booked time off for the rest of the week - my six month scheme is almost over, and I've got a lot of time that's owed to me, so I decided to take it. What can I say? I'm jealous of his house too - very nice, I wonder how he can afford it. I know he's there with his girlfriend, but I thought moving out was supposed to be expensive? Oh well, we had a good night. Laughter roared through Prescot, my fragile disposition playing shooting games seemed to amuse my host. Git.

Had another 'what's said in the car, stays in the car' time when the old gang got together for a drive. Which was nice.

Friday was very interesting. Had an interview for a job in the computer centre at KMBC - it's constant on the phone work, answering technical queries - not what I was expecting - but I don't mind. I only hated working in Vertex because of the people, not the work. Hope I get it, but I'll really miss the department I work in now. I don't know about what they think of me, but I love working with them, when they're not talking about Celebrity Love Island! There was another candidate for the position, but there were two available so that's a bonus. It was none other than Joanne from my New Deal group, but I didn't see her - I found out later when I had to go to Kirkby. At first I didn't know I was there, it was about CV writing and mine was done. But I had a free lunch, and I spent the afternoon in the 'Blue Room' with Gary and Paul. Strange shapes on the screen, woman pleasuring themselves with frogs on the music system, and vibrating chairs. Very interesting...

Went to see the War Of The Worlds too. One word - wow. I cannot remember when a film in the cinema has ever had me in awe throughout the film, maybe one never has, until now. It has to be seen in a cinema - it is incredible. I knew very little about WOTW, considering I used to watch the TV series when I was a kid. But although it pissed me off before the film, it was a huge plus during the film, as I didn't know what was coming. I would actually consider seeing it again in the cinema if someone asked me. Gripping stuff. Shame I can't say the same about the 1953 effort, which I caught on satellite the next day. What a farce! I was laughing through it, not frightened. The acting was hammy, the story all over the place, and the less said about the aliens and their 'advanced' spaceships crashing, the better! See the Spielberg version.

Live 8 happened this weekend - did I watch it? Of course! But not for long. I realise it was a great effort to get all those concerts around the world organised, and the sheer amount of people at Hyde Park was a sight, but it just didn't strike anything more in me than a fleeting interest. The fact that Paul McCartney and Bono started it didn't help, but Status Quo wouldn't have changed anything for me. A lot has happened in the last 20 years, and this kind of spectacle has been seen before. Some of the acts seemed to think everyone was there for them, and they acted like twats, oblivious to the cause it was for. Although I didn't see it all, I did witness the Peter Kay embarrassment. What WERE they thinking? It was car crash TV once again ladies and gents, as he tried in vain to have the crowd sing THAT song. Then he came back on and did it again! And people think he's a good comedian? God, these people need to wake up.

Mr Richard Whitely 'twice nightly' passed away too - very sad. RIP Mr Countdown.

More sad news too, although not on the same level, Lee's blog is closing it's doors! But a photo blog will soon be coming all over our screens, with no thought as to the electrical gubbins inside them. Bring it on I say!

Right then, better finish up - I'm running dry again.

Until next time - things that are not from around here are from Europe.

Sick & Tired

Woke up this morning before my alarm went off this morning - definitely a once-in-a-blue-moon event. Chalk it up to going to bed so late though - and for what? I did nothing. I really need to stop doing it, it's not healthy. I know I'm a creature of the night (and all that jazz), but when there is no merit then there is no point.

Fat load of good it did - still ended up getting into work just after 9. I vowed in front of Val to get there earlier in future. I know I'm on flexi time, and I can come and go as I please (within reason), but I don't think it's showing a good impression of me. Work was a nightmare - not only was the climate fluctuating, causing me great discomfort, but my computer still hadn't been sorted. After leaving a message with the IT 'helpdesk', I had to endure a painful walkthrough of trying to fix my problem. They already know I'm IT literate, so when I say I need a callout I *need* a callout, yet still I had to go through the procedure. It took five minutes just to get to my IP address - '...now then Graham, move your mouse to the corner, click on Start. See that menu? Point to Run. Click on it. Did a window open? Good. Now, in the white box...' - excruciating doesn't describe it! All they need to say with me is 'what's your IP?' and I can give it to them in 5 seconds (I just timed myself - how sad). Anyhoo, that's another callout booked. To get my work done though, I had to swallow my pride and photocopy all of the stuff. I'm not kidding, there must have been at least 50 things, and I couldn't just use the sheet-feeder thing bada-bing-bada-boom - it took me all day to get all the stuff done, and I still need to do one more thing with them in the morning! Sheesh!

Had lunch with Ste today, and I'm getting increasingly worried about that chap, and myself as well. Why you don't ask? Well, he's either really intelligent, or really stupid, as he found a way to annoy me greatly. Nitpick at EVERYTHING I say! I'm not saying he's a bad lad, he's really not. Maybe he was just in a silly mood today, because everything really was over-analysed. And my reaction to it wasn't exactly productive either, I seemed to turn into a lecturer teaching him the ways of life - as if I knew them! I can look back now and see humour in it, but I'm unsure if he did or not. I'll have to be a bit more careful on our next encounter. Also let slip that I'm going to Christine's this Friday - not quite sure what he makes of the friendship, but a young lad going round to an older woman's house for drinks isn't something you encounter much in everyday life. Can't wait for that though - I really need to unwind.

This evening's events have been pretty sour - I got home later than usual as I helped mum get the shopping straight after I finished work, and because of the amount of sleep I didn't have and weather I fell asleep on the chair for about an hour. The position I choose isn't uncomfortable, and I love the fact I'm going to snooze for a bit, but waking up from it is a bitch - it's like staying up non-stop for a week, falling asleep for one hour and then staying awake for another week. Really takes it out of me. The fact that mother was drunk did not help at all - as usual I said nothing at all to provoke - I swear I didn't - and she goes off the rails at me again, so it was another night with the earphones in. Wasn't all bad though - I left some positive feedback for an eBayer - the fan I bought arrived today, a lovely shade of blue it is too. And great news - Mel's new video was up on the website! 'Better Alone' is a strange choice for a single - her ballads have not gone well over the years, but it's a nice treat for the fans. The fans aren't exactly embracing this new vid with open arms though. For me personally I like it on the whole, but there are a few problems which dog it. The song has been chopped, harshly - gone is the build up and flow, it's more like a flash in the pan now, but the album version may have bored the casual listener. The video setting is great - I don't think it comes off as cheap, more symbolic and arty. Mel is looking as fab as ever, it's a strange sight seeing her in a dress, but I could get used to it! Things go downhill early on sadly, as she misses out a word of the song. Very unprofessional, and she fluffs another later on - why it wasn't corrected I don't know. And although I don't mind the acting at the start, I get really uncomfortable at the end with all these sensual arm movements - maybe I'm just not used to seeing Mel do them, but at the moment it just makes me feel strange. Plus the ending has been lifted right out of the Anastacia video, but I can understand the red curtains/Red Girl Records connection. I honestly hope she does well with it, but if not I really don't care - if the chart is dominated by pointless Crazy Frog and high-pitched Akon nonsense then I hold little respect for it anymore.

Right then, I'd best be off, and give myself a bit more sleep than I had last night. I hope I have an interesting dream...

Until next time - make sure you know all the words before making a video!

Je Ne Sais Pas Pourquoi

What is the point of this morning? I've got to go to a building in the middle of nowhere, when it was originally supposed to be right next to my work! I had to travel (i.e. walk) for half an hour as it's in a stupid place. I'm not even going to talk about the session, but I will say that we had a good discussion for a change.

Not much really happened in work - caught up with Val and Julie, called the helpdesk yet again, did whatever work I could.

I didn't even do much when I got home really - started sorting out some papers in my room, but I know for a fact I'm not going to continue to do it. I should book some time off work and just really hound my room until it's tidy. But when only I see it, and with it only being used for sleep, it's not exactly my top priority. Also met mum at the train station - aren't I nice?
If I was Lee and this was his blog, I'd rate today as a 3 out of 10 - but I'm not him, and this ain't his blog so I won't

Until next time - why dontcha do su'in'?

It's Oh So Quiet...

Ba da ba da! He's back again, zing boom! Another blog post, zing boom! After so long, wow bang! Been rather busy, no I haven't see, I'm just a lazy S.O.B., who did other things to amuse himself! BANG! But that's over, so then...

Hello my party people, long time no see! Well, as my little ditty above says, I've just not bothered really have I? No effort at all. But I'm going to prove everyone who thinks I've given up wrong - Greta is back with a vengeance!

So today was very good actually. Drifting in and out of sleep this morning, I dreamt of a pink hornet infiltrating my boudoir! Why you ask? A sexual metaphor? Global warming? Nope, some little shits outside were riding little farty motorbikes around the block! What the Hell is their problem - it's so sad and pathetic! 'Ooh look at us - we're soo cool on our teeny bikes'. Sorry, I'm not saying that right - 'WIKID BIKERZ R US!'. Moronic absolute. But I'm above that, so I shout out my usual response - 'crash and burn!!!'. The first of many times today. Apparently my room was hotter than 26°C. Didn't seem it though, but it didn't exactly put me in the best of moods. I am despising this hot weather, and it's not ending anytime soon :(.

Got up, had a bath, decided to watch some stuff off the Sky+ thing - I really need to copy the stuff off of that to free up room. Plus there was a lot of rain, a LOT of rain, with thunder and lightning to boot! God that thunder was loud, and I loved every moment of it - shame it did jack all good for the climate, and to rub it in the fan I'd bet on on eBay had been won by someone else at the last sodding minute this morning whilst I was dreaming of buzzing things. Curse you 42hen8 - you are now my arch-nemesis!

Missed a call from Mr Ellis, as usual when I leave it in another room, and arranged to do something later. Later then, just as I was about to play SimCity and have constant demands from the little sprites, Lee shows up to take me away from it all. Can I remember much about the drive? Not really, and I have a headache now! I remember being quiet through an awful song, liking some others (believe me ladies, gentlemen and other - that is a big deal) and taking the same bloody route on the drive! But it's the company that makes the journey, and as usual the conversation was as sparkly as ever. I do remember what was said, but not at this moment. Probably for the best, I guess.

Then it was back to Lee's to play a cruel trick on someone. I also got a phone call from Christine, and arranged to go to her's this Friday - yet another BB eviction! It should be good, and I will take drink - even better! I'll have to see if Darren wants to come, but he probably will - he's veryexcitablee. Who do I want out? Well, Roberto, Saskia or Anthony would be good choices. Let's hope the British public share my views... And I got my arch-nemesis back - I bid on another fan, exactly the same, and got it for almost a tenner cheaper! Bwa ha ha - I will be cool this summer!

Right then, I'd better sign off - as if going to work in this weather isn't bad enough, I've got to walk in the opposite direction tomorrow morning to a small group session with Steve Martin (whoopee), then come home for lunch and go back to work in the afternoon! I'm going to melt... But first it's time to put some pebbles in a bowl, and revisit my horny pink friend.

Oh, and I just want to wish Mr Ellis all the best with his revision!

Until next time - oh there's more pepper!

Finally

A post! Well, it's been a wholly uneventful past few days, so I just thought I wouldn't bother putting up some inane comments. Plus the fact that I've been preparing my computer for a full blown format hasn't helped - more on that later.

So, let's start at Wednesday - cannot for the life of me remember what happened, so it looks like that was a good day then. That's actually quite worrying - a whole 24 hours disappeared. Maybe I was abducted! By aliens? Was I probed anally? Why haven't they called me since? Or at least sent flowers? Bastards.

Thursday's another blank. Well, it was pay day, so there's a memory. Still, doesn't bode well does it? I'll want these days back on my death bed. Oh hang on, I remember seeing Sally in work - I like her, she's a good-time gal. And voted Labour too - in my old school (shame I couldn't see more of it) and saw someone from work as well. What a small world. Oh look, I did remember things after all!

Friday, yes I remember you - it was Dave in work's last day. He was agency, with Hays, and only hired for a certain period of time. Apparently he was there longer than most though. I'll miss him, he always riled the women in the office into a retaliation frenzy! I signed his card though, and threw in some money for his sweety presents, so it wasn't a forgetful end. The mood was extremely confusing afterwards - well, it was all day, but more so after he'd left. I was happy as it was Friday, but sad because I wouldn't have a barrier from Yvonne from Monday. I'll have to keep her soothed from now on.

On Saturday I continued my efforts to back up all my files in preparation for the big format. Also put the second act of Taboo on for mother, as I'd sneakily watched it a few days earlier. Ended up watching the end of it with her when I'd finished going splishy-splashy in the bath. God she made me cringe with that musical - there's a song in it where it goes, 'You always knew, didn't you mother?', and my mother turned to me and said, 'I never knew though, did I? Does that make me a bad mother?'. I had to explain to her that it wasn't just about knowing your son was gay, it was about them being different and not fitting in in the world. I'll have to divulge here that awkward moment when I came out to her, but not whilst I'm trying to catch up with five days of nothing.

At last we reach Sunday - wanted to wake up early, but the body was weak and refused. Carried on with the backup - I really have too much crap on the computer. But it's just one of the prices I pay for using it as an escape mechanism. Watched the Jo Brand DVD I rented, very funny - lot's of woman jokes, but having something in common with the female population I could laugh at most of it too. It was also a day where I got two visits from Mr Melling, and a cufuffle with Mr Ellis. We'll begin with Lee - he called me from Matalan, where he was with his mum. He'd been to the Ideal Home Show and Apple Store on Saturday I think, and I joked about the 'new' Apple OS, which caused him to hang up abruptly. He later apologised in a text, saying that he was 'on', as it were - which is also what I had said to Wendy after his cutting of the conversation. I now preserve the text message here, and will make plans to have it framed.



Been getting texts from Max lately, probably because I haven't had my messenger open since I've been doing that thing that I've mentioned too many times already. He's my main online buddy ol' friend ol' pal - been speaking to him for around 6 years now and never met him once. Probably for the best, really. For him! It's quite a fascinating story of how we came to be such chatty people, full of chance encounters and crap like that - I won't tell it now though, partly to keep your interest piqued, but also because I'll just ramble on and ruin it. Best told in drips and drabs - I'll probably still bollocks it up anyway. Where was I? Oh yes, he was telling me about a new Melanie B video on the telly - I have to say it's the cheapest music video I've ever seen! And I've seen the class production I starred in when I was in school! Song's rather good, definitely a grower, but the video is just inexcusable.

Darren meanwhile was his flamboyant self, amusing us all with renditions of songs from Taboo, and how he wants to do it at some wedding thing, can't remember who's. Speaking of marriage, he also reminded me that I've been invited to his brother's engagement party on the 20th of this month. I'm already in a pickle - I joked with him that I would bring my stilleto's (A JOKE! I OWN NONE! Only flats...), and now Brenda (his mum) knows I've said it. Whatever will I do? Come up with a witty comment on that it was all just a humourous quip? Or just take the lazy way out and wear a pair? Well, I always go the lazy route... He'd sent me a rather long, confusing, but altogether raucous e-mail asking why I hadn't posted on my blog, saying mine and Lee's blogs gave him something to look forward to, and without them he has nothing to trigger his imagination. I've probably got that completely wrong, but I can't have a look at the e-mail again because of the oft-mentioned backup. Andy never came round either - his loss anyway.
Just bought my mum a new phone online - she's been using my really old Nokia 3330, which can't hold a charge at all. Sometime this week she'll have a nice shiny new 3100 that she won't be able to use at all. Mother's and technology, eh? It doesn't have a camera, but it'll do.

So here I am, faced with another week of work, and I've still got to do this bloody computer reinstallation thing! Need to tidy my corner before I begin as well! Sheesh! I'll have to come up with some topic type things to talk about when I've done bugger all, just to keep Darren happy ;). I may also touch on the creepy dreams I had, one involving a rather aerobic version of Alton Tower's Rita ride and the other a tall man, plus the strange sex musical I watched. Or I may not.

Until next time - Stoppit and Tidyup!

I Feel It... It's Coming...

Rain. Felt it on my fingertips. Heard it on my chest ribcage. The rain came down like... rain.

Where the Hell did it come from? There I was, all ready for work in the morning, and I looked out of the window. "Hmm," I pondered, "Looks like another glorious day. Bollocks. My coat - should it stay or should it go now?". I hate the sun you see - call me a vampire if you will (I wouldn't mind biting into some people's necks!), but I prefer the term 'creature of the night' (a la Taboo and Rocky Horror). Well, whenever it's nice I'd previously taken my coat, only to have it bake me alive as the sun beat down. How ironic, Alanis Morissette said, that today when I decide to leave it behind comes the mother of all rainfalls.

I can't remember the last time I've seen it rain that much in real life - it was like something from the Amazon, or Jumanji, whatever. I was sitting there in work, shitting myself as I walk home for lunch - it may only be a 10 minute walk, but 10 seconds in that and I would have been saturated! Clever me though used my cheeky powers and got my mum to meet me with her brolly and my coat - but she was planning on doing it anyway because she's a darling little treasure. The clouds only unleashed their payloads when I was walking to and from work as well, but that's okay - I loved every second of it. Except for when I was back in work, and my pants felt 10 times heavier than normal.

Had quite a relaxing evening at home - watched the first act of Taboo, the Boy George musical. I'd seen it before, Darren was very kind and brought it round once to watch, but with all the constant interruptions I couldn't hear any of it. But tonight I could, and it was fabulous. I'm saving the second act for later in the week, but I've been listening the the soundtrack since whilst I prepare my knackered PC for a full format. It's just so emotional - the soundtrack, I mean.

Ha ha, I've just realised that two thirds of this post was about the weather - am I running out of material or what? I could mention that I kept thinking today was Monday, or how evil the little runt on tonight's Bad Behaviour was, or that Barbarella's on soon, one of my favourite movies - but I won't.

Until next time - two fierce drag queens go round the outside, and in stilettos!

Wake Up Boo

Couldn't get up this morning. No, not a hangover, don't get those thankfully (dodges rotten tomatoes thrown at him by disgruntled blog readers). It was next door hammering away at ours, and I certainly wasn't going to get it. Someone had left Whisky in the garden, barking merrily away, and I'm not going to take the shit for something I didn't do. So, back to sleep I go - I know, hard life isn't it?

Strange dream though (oh no, not dreams again!). Something about red water. See, didn't go on about it this time did I?

Ooh, I started each sentence of that line with an 'S' - how queer. Speaking of those, Darren popped round today. Apparently he popped round yesterday, like he said he would, but we were all sleeping off the moonshine. But there he was now, so we made the most of it. Natter natter natter, that's what everyone else was like. As usual I totally ignored him and played on compy, watching a video of one of the worst game ever made. We got talking eventually, and the rest of the family took Sarah back to Ireland - not literally, they only went to the airport, but you know what I mean. Well, I'd be worried if you did. Had quite the many laughs with Darren again - he was looking at lots of people on profiles. Some of the guys he spoke to on Faceparty were quite tasty. Mental note - steal his logon details (or just ask him what their usernames are, whichever is easiest). Discussed more about 'that thing what Darren did', which sadly falls into the category established in Friday's post, about things that I'm not going to post here. But it was very insightful, and I came away enlightened.

Watched a bit of Scruffy today as well - which I bought from eBay quite a few weeks ago. Sarah was bored so I put it on for her, and after watching the first few minutes myself I couldn't watch any more. This film I vaguely remember with great fondness from my childhood was nothing more than an extremely poor rip off of the excellent Lady & The Tramp. Ah well, it was only £3.51.



Look - a picture! Sarah found it, God knows where, and brought it to my attention. I'm skinny! See, there was a time when I wasn't so curvaceous! I'm on the left, by the way, the one with the bad hair. I hated the hairdressers, and I'm not sure if mum could afford to constantly get it cut - it grows in seconds, trust me. Eww, it looks rather greasy too - because it was so long it would get dirty pretty quickly, which was actually a blessing as when it had just been washed it was so fluffy and bouncy. I used to get teased a lot for it in school - I should have just had it all shaved off like I do now. My old 'horny red bull head' t-shirt as well - was I making a statement? The other kid is Neil, an ex-friend of mine - can't be bothered going into it now though. Check out the brilliant TV and video machines! Those I won't miss!

Which brings me here, typing my blog away, frantically trying to get it finished so I can go to bed. I really need to start going to bed earlier - the vitamins instruction booklet recommends a good night's sleep at least once a week, which I get, but it wouldn't hurt to get more. It's a shame that I think that sleep is a waste of time when I'm busy - all that time wasted. But I've not experienced a nicer feeling than that of my bed when I'm really tired. Pathetic. Looking at that photo that Sarah found it appears I haven't slept much at all since I was young - I remember I could never get to sleep when I was a kid. Now I'm paying for it with eyes that make me look like I'm a heavy drug user! Must find out how to get rid of the blackness.

Until next time - cut and wash your hair, you hippy!

We've Gotta Get Out Of This Place

Help! I need somebody! Help! Not just anybody! Help! You know I need someone!

Heeeeeellllllp!

Is that even a word? Ahem, yes it was the christening today. Got there half an hour early as mother dearest thought it would be best to arrive in style, in a black cab. Lo and behold, noone else was there yet, so we waited. And waited. And I can't be arsed carrying on that joke, so when everyone arrived we watched the christening. I refused to join the culty chants, for I am still a bastard child at heart who thinks it's cool not to join in in church. Ra, and all that. So that passes by, and it's time for the party bit. Oh joy!

I love my family - so much so that I always go out of my way to avoid them. Nah, some of them are okay I guess, but my word en masse is not good for my health! I spent the entire time drinking double JD and coke, moaning how I didn't want to be there, and taking sneaky pictures and videos with my camera. I also got a few more chaos emeralds and completed some more levels on Sonic 2 - I love my multi-talented phone! The room was filled with ravenous beasts too - no sooner had the buffet opened than everything had vanished, well, apart from chicken drumsticks and cake (if you're reading this Mike, wipe away the drool - keyboards and liquid don't mix). A drunken trip to Maccy's and walk home and we all sleep, apart from mother - that dirty stop out stayed for longer to consume much more inebriating liquid. I got all excited later this evening, as Lee was going to take me out for a drive, but alas he had borrowed his car out. So I had to resort to watching TV, and I kept dipping in and out of various shows, watching the first half of one, then moving on to another. Still, got through most of the original TV series of the Hitchhiker's Guide To The Galaxy - very dated obviously, and took a little adjusting to it, but it was entertaining for the most part. Couldn't bring myself to watch the last episode, but it'll be there on the hard drive for me in the morning. Marvelous invention, that Sky+.

In bed, and what a surprise, there's a knock at the door. It's mother, dropping all of her money on the floor and fumbling in her bag. Learnt that searching for money in a bath robe with a torch at 2am in the morning down our front path is quite liberating. I may do it more often.

Until next time - join me, won't you?

I Go Shopping, Shopping

Going to a christening tomorrow, so I needed some new threads. Went to ASDA and bought myself a shirt, ended up trying it on in what I think was the disabled changing room, but that's just me - living life to the max, totally wild and crazy Graham! Also bought lots of toiletries, none of which will improve my appearance in any way, shape or form, and bought some multi-vulti-schmulti vitamins. I've never ate the right foods, they're not always the best tasting, and I can't be arsed starting now. I can pop a pill daily, though!

Until next time - bah bah dah bah, bah bah dah bah...

So Long And Thanks For All The Fish

TGIF! TGIF! W00T! And all that crap. Yes, it was a Friday to remember, so let's get remembering...

What a great dream I had! I'll warn you now, it involves lustful thoughts of a gay man, so if that ain't your bag just skip over to the next paragraph. Or stop reading my blog altogether, you little swine! The exact details are hazy, they usually are, but I can still remember the feeling. Crap, I sound like that old bint from Titanic, 'It's been 84 years, and I can still smell the fresh paint.' Congratulations love, that's one hell of a gift you have there - why not go on 'You Bet' ya freak! Back to me. It involved a lad I know, whom I had one of my famous infatuations on. He was just standing there, looking very dominant - one powerful, intriguing example of a man. I'm not going to beat around the bush (can't stand it), I was very turned on! What? I'm an adult, hopefully you are too - can't we discuss these matters like adults? Is it so wrong? That's all I can remember anyway, so if you're feeling uncomfortable you may now relax.

Went to see the Hitchhiker's Guide To The Galaxy tonight. Saw it in FACT, a very swish cinema-type thing. I love the whole thing about that place - the high ceilings, the giant staircase, the lovely seats, the 'fact' that you can take your alcoholic beverage in the cinema part with you (lucky for you, Mr. Ellis). I absolutely loved the film - the characters were great, the visuals were extremely good and the total wackiness appealed to me like not much has done beforehand. Oh, to see the dolphin sequence again, or the factory floor, or the introduction of Slartibartfast, the sighing doors and Marvin! I could go on, but I won't - I'll just urge anyone with an intelligent and open mind to see this bit of film celluloid while you can on the large screen. But do go somewhere were they have working ventilation systems! I was a bit disappointed that I missed out on the joke that Lee and Darren were laughing at so much - I do need to pay attention next time.

We eventually got back to my house, but we didn't get out - we stayed inside the car for AGES, only moving to make a late-night trip to ASDA, and follow a young ne'er-do-well. Many things were said, many sides were split, but alas, it is not things that I will put here. Very secret friends stuff you see, and quite a lot of it would shock you! I'll just let your filthy minds fill in the gaps. You dirty, dirty people.

Until next time - wash your brain out, and dry it off with that ever-so-useful towel. Also, ponder the following 'meaning-free' sentence - Oliver phoned Mildred after shuffling stones in earnest.

The Knowsley Bus Is Coming

Hop aboard, ladies and gentlemen, for the Knowsley bus is waiting to bore you out of your skulls! There I am, on time at the Training and Conference Center, and I don't know what room to go in. The woman on reception said the Cronton Suite, and I'd been there before, but it's full of people older than I - surely I'm not in there. Wrong. I sit for an excrutiatingly long time, hoping Sally and Steve will show, as I don't want to go bussing it with all these unfamiliar faces. Thankfully, they show up - shame it's only three of us from the scheme, I was under the impression there would be more. Anyway, on with the show! First, a snazzy PowerPoint presentation (sarcastic much?) on everything about the Council - fun. Next, the new chief executive says a few words, which was rather interesting - unlike the next person who spoke, who couldn't even be bothered to stand up and talk to us. After a lengthy Q&A we dash off for a break and meet up with Steph, and we unloaded our problems onto her. Shame - glad to see she's okay though. Get back late for the bus though, and we're whisked through non-stop roadworks to a school. No kiddies, yet - but my Lord it was awful. A myriad of corridors, dilapidated structures - I feared for my life. Lovely plastic chairs awaited us as we sat through an informative presentation about Knowsley wardens - they're a good idea, methinks. Back on the coach and we're off to Kirkby (thankfully I wasn't sitting next to a window), and I while away the minutes chatting to Steve.

Before we knew what we were in for, oh no - little demons! They're, they're everywhere, and on the one day I forget to carry my electrified cattle prod! God the tour here was boring - I think he was a headmaster, someone official anyway, and he droned on so much! I had to amuse myself by looking at the tiny chairs, sniffing out the little brats and thinking of what rude words I could make on the interactive whiteboard. Why on earth didn't we have them in my day? They're so cool! Oh look, now we're going into a chapel! I'm sorry - this is not a chapel - it's crap. A table? No, make them appreciate God's cold floor! And that woman is so scary - she speaks with a posh voice, yet is dressed in a manky old purple t-shirt and trainers. You just know that when we leave she'll turn back into a right hard-arse. Lunch was atrocious too, it was a fend-for-yourself nibbles type of affair, whilst sitting in a circle hearing more about schools. Whoopee. What's that? We're leaving? Hurrah! Oh dear, we're staying in Kirkby, this time going to their One Stop Shop. It's impressive - much more spacious than the Huyton one, with a water feature! And comfy seats! After fascinating stories about robbed plasma screens and a tour of the boiling call - sorry, 'contact' center, we're back on ze bus. We get stuck trying to get out of the car park, and this is the high point of the day!

Off to Huyton again (why we didn't do Kirkby first, then all the Huyton stuff second I'll never know) and we visited a little bungalow next to where Steve works. It's a place for young kids who look after their disabled family members, and if I hadn't been on this tour I probably wouldn't have ever knew it happened. It got VERY warm again though, and it started my cough off - oh the shame! If only I hadn't left my drink back at the training center! Wooshed over to Huyton Library, right next to my work, and we have refreshments in a very nice conference room. Joked some more with Steve - what an alright chap he is. A tour of the library commences - my LOCAL library - so the only thing I enjoyed was the fact that we could all go looking round at the films and games you can rent. Back where we started, and by some miracle my drink is still there, we are given an evaluation to fill out. Once finished, we were set free back into civilisation, lost and bewildered from the information overload we had just witnessed. I walked with Sally till she arrived home, and found out that one of the positions she was applying for was given to Steve! What a small world!

The rest of the day was uneventful. You could say that about what I've already written, but I wanted to convey the experience I had to go through. I could've typed so much more, but I'm not THAT sadistic!

Until then - don't forget your electrified cattle prod.