So Long And Thanks For All The Fish

TGIF! TGIF! W00T! And all that crap. Yes, it was a Friday to remember, so let's get remembering...

What a great dream I had! I'll warn you now, it involves lustful thoughts of a gay man, so if that ain't your bag just skip over to the next paragraph. Or stop reading my blog altogether, you little swine! The exact details are hazy, they usually are, but I can still remember the feeling. Crap, I sound like that old bint from Titanic, 'It's been 84 years, and I can still smell the fresh paint.' Congratulations love, that's one hell of a gift you have there - why not go on 'You Bet' ya freak! Back to me. It involved a lad I know, whom I had one of my famous infatuations on. He was just standing there, looking very dominant - one powerful, intriguing example of a man. I'm not going to beat around the bush (can't stand it), I was very turned on! What? I'm an adult, hopefully you are too - can't we discuss these matters like adults? Is it so wrong? That's all I can remember anyway, so if you're feeling uncomfortable you may now relax.

Went to see the Hitchhiker's Guide To The Galaxy tonight. Saw it in FACT, a very swish cinema-type thing. I love the whole thing about that place - the high ceilings, the giant staircase, the lovely seats, the 'fact' that you can take your alcoholic beverage in the cinema part with you (lucky for you, Mr. Ellis). I absolutely loved the film - the characters were great, the visuals were extremely good and the total wackiness appealed to me like not much has done beforehand. Oh, to see the dolphin sequence again, or the factory floor, or the introduction of Slartibartfast, the sighing doors and Marvin! I could go on, but I won't - I'll just urge anyone with an intelligent and open mind to see this bit of film celluloid while you can on the large screen. But do go somewhere were they have working ventilation systems! I was a bit disappointed that I missed out on the joke that Lee and Darren were laughing at so much - I do need to pay attention next time.

We eventually got back to my house, but we didn't get out - we stayed inside the car for AGES, only moving to make a late-night trip to ASDA, and follow a young ne'er-do-well. Many things were said, many sides were split, but alas, it is not things that I will put here. Very secret friends stuff you see, and quite a lot of it would shock you! I'll just let your filthy minds fill in the gaps. You dirty, dirty people.

Until next time - wash your brain out, and dry it off with that ever-so-useful towel. Also, ponder the following 'meaning-free' sentence - Oliver phoned Mildred after shuffling stones in earnest.

The Knowsley Bus Is Coming

Hop aboard, ladies and gentlemen, for the Knowsley bus is waiting to bore you out of your skulls! There I am, on time at the Training and Conference Center, and I don't know what room to go in. The woman on reception said the Cronton Suite, and I'd been there before, but it's full of people older than I - surely I'm not in there. Wrong. I sit for an excrutiatingly long time, hoping Sally and Steve will show, as I don't want to go bussing it with all these unfamiliar faces. Thankfully, they show up - shame it's only three of us from the scheme, I was under the impression there would be more. Anyway, on with the show! First, a snazzy PowerPoint presentation (sarcastic much?) on everything about the Council - fun. Next, the new chief executive says a few words, which was rather interesting - unlike the next person who spoke, who couldn't even be bothered to stand up and talk to us. After a lengthy Q&A we dash off for a break and meet up with Steph, and we unloaded our problems onto her. Shame - glad to see she's okay though. Get back late for the bus though, and we're whisked through non-stop roadworks to a school. No kiddies, yet - but my Lord it was awful. A myriad of corridors, dilapidated structures - I feared for my life. Lovely plastic chairs awaited us as we sat through an informative presentation about Knowsley wardens - they're a good idea, methinks. Back on the coach and we're off to Kirkby (thankfully I wasn't sitting next to a window), and I while away the minutes chatting to Steve.

Before we knew what we were in for, oh no - little demons! They're, they're everywhere, and on the one day I forget to carry my electrified cattle prod! God the tour here was boring - I think he was a headmaster, someone official anyway, and he droned on so much! I had to amuse myself by looking at the tiny chairs, sniffing out the little brats and thinking of what rude words I could make on the interactive whiteboard. Why on earth didn't we have them in my day? They're so cool! Oh look, now we're going into a chapel! I'm sorry - this is not a chapel - it's crap. A table? No, make them appreciate God's cold floor! And that woman is so scary - she speaks with a posh voice, yet is dressed in a manky old purple t-shirt and trainers. You just know that when we leave she'll turn back into a right hard-arse. Lunch was atrocious too, it was a fend-for-yourself nibbles type of affair, whilst sitting in a circle hearing more about schools. Whoopee. What's that? We're leaving? Hurrah! Oh dear, we're staying in Kirkby, this time going to their One Stop Shop. It's impressive - much more spacious than the Huyton one, with a water feature! And comfy seats! After fascinating stories about robbed plasma screens and a tour of the boiling call - sorry, 'contact' center, we're back on ze bus. We get stuck trying to get out of the car park, and this is the high point of the day!

Off to Huyton again (why we didn't do Kirkby first, then all the Huyton stuff second I'll never know) and we visited a little bungalow next to where Steve works. It's a place for young kids who look after their disabled family members, and if I hadn't been on this tour I probably wouldn't have ever knew it happened. It got VERY warm again though, and it started my cough off - oh the shame! If only I hadn't left my drink back at the training center! Wooshed over to Huyton Library, right next to my work, and we have refreshments in a very nice conference room. Joked some more with Steve - what an alright chap he is. A tour of the library commences - my LOCAL library - so the only thing I enjoyed was the fact that we could all go looking round at the films and games you can rent. Back where we started, and by some miracle my drink is still there, we are given an evaluation to fill out. Once finished, we were set free back into civilisation, lost and bewildered from the information overload we had just witnessed. I walked with Sally till she arrived home, and found out that one of the positions she was applying for was given to Steve! What a small world!

The rest of the day was uneventful. You could say that about what I've already written, but I wanted to convey the experience I had to go through. I could've typed so much more, but I'm not THAT sadistic!

Until then - don't forget your electrified cattle prod.

Dilemma feat. Kelly Rowland

Shushy. That was me today - quieter than a mouse-mime. I don't know what was with me today, normally I'm Mr Chatty - don't know if you've ever met him, jolly nice chap. Back to me. Well, it was scheduled for noon for our department to go to the Wheatsheaf (formerly known as the Rose & Crown - ooh, an ampersand!) for a meal to celebrate Yvonne's birthday and Sandra's leaving to have a sprog. It's quite nice in there now, it's very light and airy. So we sat down, and I was sad, as my good pal Val wasn't there - hope she gets better very soon, but doesn't tell work so she can have much more deserved rest! Anyway, with a pint in hand I choose the curry and rice, when who should I spy behind the bar? None other than Ricky, an old school friend! We gets a chatting, but it's cut short by cheeky customers who wanted serving. After a problem with my order (surprise surprise) and my eating a mixed grill and chatting to Dave, Paul and Marie, I go back and have a long long natter with Ricky. He's been to see Belinda Carlisle A LOT more times since we last spoke, and apparently she was a right little Madame on one occasion! I would've slapped her!

We also talked at great length about friends and school. I've had discussion about this with many of my friends - it's unbelievable how many people from our old school are gay. Seriously - something must've been in the drinks from the canteen, they're everywhere now. It's almost blasé when you find out about someone new!

Ended up getting back to work 5 minutes later than everyone else, but Yvonne said it was okay - it'll come out of my flexi time anyway. I can't believe that Dave went over for his massage - thankfully the masseuse wouldn't allow it as he had alcohol in his system. My God, he would have been knocked out! I also found out who he fancies in work - well, from other people, and he tried to deny it, but we know him. Pain in the arse though (pun intended) when they started talking about setting me up with a girl. A wha? Girl? Female of the species? Nuh-uh. Not gonna happen. Comprendé? Why can't I just tell them I'm gay? Is it so hard (no pun intended)? "Hello colleagues, my name is Graham, and I'm a raving homosexual!" Apparently, it is, for I just sat there and made a nervous laugh. I also cleverly drew attention to someone else, but I still avoided the issue. Shame really - it pisses me off that everyone assumes people are straight, they just don't realise that it gets really annoying for gays and bis to have to constantly 'come out' as it were. If I'd have known it would involve this much work I might not have bothered! They'll find out in time, I'll make it one of my goals for this scheme I'm on - so then, where prey tell are the coach and journalist to help me achieve it? Bastards. To any of you reading this, I urge you to keep your eyes open for signs of 'a gay' in the person you're speaking to, and think twice before assuming they're straight - it can be really uncomfortable.

Oh yes, Darren came round - nice seeing him again. Funny man, may be going to see HG2G at the weekend. I think I'm on a tour of Knowsley tomorrow - sounds like fun, I like tours. I've been hearing many scare stories though about eating with children, and them asking you questions. Well, if they start then I'll just eat them instead. Good night!

Until next time - don't say what you're 'bout to say, no no no no!

These Dreams

Melanie C...Liverpool airport...flowery bag on carousel...talking...getting to know you...I'm from Huyton...

Work...fire...fire extinguisher...fire extinguisher on fire...cracks in extinguisher lighting blue...crawling down corridor...crouching...right next to gas pipe...door only seconds away...

Home...kitchen...night...getting ready to go somewhere...listening to music...Freddy Krueger before he was murdered...

*Wakes up*

Until next time - ...7...8...better stay up late...

One, Two, Skip A Few

Aha! Not even a week has passed and I've already missed a day out! But did I say I'd be posting everyday now children? No I did not. 5 housepoints to you paying attention at the back.

Oh well if you're really interested in what I did on Sunday, I'll tell you. I woke up after hardly any sleep - I'd been pissing about with the new hard drive till the wee hours - and I continued when I woke up. I finished with it around 6 or 7, I don't know. 'Innerspace' was on five anyway - great film. For the evening I just sat, basically.

Had an interesting dream - well, I always do. Hmm, there's a good idea for this bloggy-thing - dream diary! It'll be pretty disturbing then! Anyway, it did happen quite a while ago now, so I can only remember small bits. There were two actually - the first had all creepy crawly things in it, which made me wake up and I had to leave the TV on to get back to sleep. Aww - how pathetic. Then I remember being in a bunch of shops with Lee (must be all this talking about him - it must end here). For some reason I was bursting for the loo, so cue a Benny Hill moment as I run in and out of many a department store, up and down yet no holy grail. At last I find a WC, but picky me won't use it because it smells. Well, I do have standards you know! It didn't seem to matter anyway at that point - I was late for something-or-other. When I woke up the second time though, lo and behold - I needed the toilet! Psychic dreams!

GMTV disturbed me this morning - a feature about flammable children's nightwear. Now, I'm not a user of it myself, but the demonstration was just so far fetched. 'Look how easy it is for these pajamas to catch fire. See how the fireman holds the giant flame right under the flammable material, note how slowly it's taking to even singe the thing, even though I'm ignoring that fact - I'm too busy saying how a brush against a candle will set a child alight, even though we're failing miserably with something a lot more aggressive.'

Went to work - bit of a quiet day today, probably a mixture of tiredness, achiness and Monday syndrome. Nope, not Monday morning, it's an all-day thing with me! Kept myself busy as usual, especially when everyone left me all alone at the end of the day. Sob. Hope Val's alright - she had to dash off as she wasn't feeling very well. I've got an awful cough myself but I suppressed it with my mighty suppressing skills - they're rather handy. Got home, watched some of my stories - South Park and Will & Grace today - very funny. Went to meet mother at the train station, had a KFC burger (tut tut), and then came on here to help Lee with his webspace. It's my civil duty - I can't afford to let another 'Gif World' happen, not on your nelly! Oh yeah - added a picture of myself to my profile. I'm not a vain person, but my phone was royally pissed off with all the pictures I took of myself! I know what you're thinking too, 'And THAT'S the one he chose to use?'. Still, the layout compensates for it.

So then, I shall be off once more - so much for an early night AGAIN. I'll just have to suffer the consequences as always. I hope I have another crazy dream - I love the whole escapism aspect. It's the only real benefit I can see from sleep anyway.

Until next time - don't let your kids stand next to strange men with fire-creating apparatus for long periods of time.

Post 2

(sing in the style of the 'Teddy Bear's Picnic') #Today's the day that Graham had his first Sub-way!

Yes, my friends, it's true - well, apart from the today bit. It was Saturday actually, when I popped my Subway cherry. It started off as a wonderful day, with the cars chirping away and a courier showing me his very big package. Sadly, once all the outer garments had been removed, all I was left with was a 3.5" disk. Story of my life. I sat, then got up - my next door neighbour was banging away with his shiny tool outside, and it spurred me to get myself dressed. As I was dressing myself, for I am a grown up now, I got a phone call - from a guy, let's call him Neil. Now, I can't stress this point too strongly, his name really isn't Neil. It's Lee. Quite a coincidence as well - I was listening to the latest Melanie C album for the umpteenth time, and my ring tone for my mobile is 'Next Best Superstar', which was the song playing at the time! Marvelous! Anyhoo, it was an invite to Subway for a sandwich, for he was hungry. I obliged, and after much waiting (my fault) we were on our way. As it was my first time, and Lee had experience, I followed his lead and ordered a meatball sub. Very tasty it was too, what with the lettuce (which I call salad) and tomato (which I call tomato).

We then moved on to Starbucks for qoiffee, where Lee was very kind to place my order - I paid, but I was vibrating like a man possessed by a vibrator, and my words weren't exactly coherent either. It was a comfy seat day too - the cretins finally gave us an opportunity we had been waiting so long for to have again. Was it worth it? Well, I'm not bothered whether I'm sitting on something soft and inviting, or just hard wood, but Lee seemed to enjoy it eventually. Alas, no sooner had we sat down that it was time to go home, so we did.

Back in my abode, I watched the devil's eye for quite some time, came online and chatted to Lee again. He informed me that he had set up a blog, and you can find a link to it over on the right I think. I decided to copy him - well, I had set one up earlier but I never told a soul. Probably the reason why it never took off really, but you live and learn I suppose.

Which brings us quite neatly up to the present time, 3:42am to be precise. Is this all I did today? Nowhere near. Were these the only interesting things that happened? Nope, there were more. Have I chosen specific events to wrap up the entry, as it was getting rather long? Yes, that's the one. I'm off to bed, for it is expected of me.

Until next time - remain seated till my next entry.

A Long, Long Time Ago...

...In a galaxy far, far away, God said, 'Let there be lips!'. And there were. And they were good.

Good evening ladies and gentlemen, and wilkommen. Yes, tis I, Graham McLeod, with the first post in my sparkling new blog, painfully hand-stitched using polyester and cheese. I felt it mightily appropriate to begin with an audience participation quote from the Rocky Horror Show, one of my favourite movies. You may peruse my profile for some of my other favourite things, and you shall enjoy the sparse nature of it all.

What will we discover boys and girls? Graham's inner-most feelings? Graham's penchant for talking in the third-person? My fondness of using fancy words? The fact that in just two paragraphs I have reversed your aging process? The meaning of life? My incessant ability to ramble on? Or just how long I keep posting on this blog? Who knows?

Perhaps it's time we find out, as we begin with our first (second) entry...