If You Buy This Biscotti Your Life Will Be Better

Starbucks. What a place. Where else could two people’s needs be fulfilled so easily? Lee, a hot coffee man, and myself, a cold frappuccino fan. A place that specialises in serving premium coffee at premium prices, but you don’t mind when the quality is that good. But when they start adding biscuits, desserts and cakes to the mix, things start to get a little ridiculous.


That, my friends, is what Lee ordered to eat on Sunday. Looks like cheesecake, and surprisingly it is. Looks like biscuit, but that’s where they’ve got you. It’s not biscuit, it’s biscotti. How much you ask? My educated guess is around £12.74 for the ‘biscuit’, and £31.96 for the cheesecake. Lee seems to think the biscotti was around 95p and the cheesecake between £2.80 and £3, but the poor dear was never very good at math, so we’ll ignore those. My estimations are far more accurate.

Biscotti. Yes, make strange Italian-sounding words, that’ll give it more flair and panache. Same with their so-called panini, and names for the sizes of coffee. Want small, regular and large? Sorry, no can do – it’s Tall, Grande and Venti. What on Earth is going on there? When was a small cup of coffee, nay, anything small, tall? Never! It’s all a conspiracy I tell you! Just yet another status symbol, like the names of the desserts to make people feel all superior and sophisticated. Shame it’s really naff when you think about it – try going in to a McDonald’s and ask for Grande fries. Or Ann Summers asking for a Venti dildo. I promise that you will feel uncomfortable (especially if you actually use it for it’s original purpose! Those fries can be quite salty).

Oh well, I suppose because of the surroundings it sort of fits in with their ethos, and in a kooky kind of way it works. Plus it provides me with never-ending amusement at my inability to order the simplest items from there – Hayley knows what I’m talking about. I have spent far too much time ballsing up the order when practising – one of these days I will be up at the counter saying ‘can I try again? I’ll get it this time’. It must never happen though, lest a repeat of the Subway incident occur. I can’t help it – if people ask do I want something, I’ll usually go along with it. That time I ended up with a submarine-sized sub, and it’d be the same with coffee!

Until next time – I like my men like I like my coffee – cold, sweet and full of cream. I think that’s how the song goes...