Cruel Summer

Bananadarafarmerama couldn’t have said (or sung) it any better.  This weather is fucking ridiculous.  THIS IS GREAT BRITAIN, NOT THE SODDING BAHAMAS!  Where does the sun get off making everyone irritable, tired and so very moist?  What annoys me though is the people who are clearly in artificially cooled surroundings saying it’s lovely, and then they go outside and moan.  They moan that it’s cold, they moan that it’s hot – same with wet and dry – there is no pleasing these people!  At least I’m all smiles when it’s winter – these people are morbid all year round.

I thought we had our heatwave a few weeks ago, but clearly that was just a prequel.  I hope this is the worst of it – I don’t know if I can take much more.  As soon as I walk into the light it sucks the life out of me.  Even now typing this, in the twilight hour, I’ve got a fan on and it’s not making any bit of difference!  I say we take note from the many so-called ‘dastardly’ and ‘maniacal’ plots from comics and cartoons, and block out the sun when it gets like this, or at least filter it out!  We could all do with our own personal and portable cooling solution if the filtering is too far-fetched – that would be bliss as well.

Sadly, as for a lot of bad things, there are benefits.  You know what I’m going to say – stripped off totty!  Yes, and very nice a lot of it is!  I hope they haven’t cottoned on to my blatantly obvious ogling whenever I’m walking the streets (and now that I’m working and having lunch breaks at the hottest times of the day it’s like happy hour for me in that respect!).  All these lovely toned and tanned bodies, nice, long and sometimes hairy legs – if I wasn’t so lethargic from the heat I’d be pointing without my hands.  Also there’s thunder and lightning – always a pleasure – although there hasn’t been any yet.  Crime.

I’m still adamant about hating the ‘lovely’ weather though, so I have to point out more flaws.  Crying children seem to be at this worst at these times – oh how they’re always on hand to make a bad situation worse.  People are dumb – they walk around aimlessly and get in my way, and generally act dumber than a brain dead zombie.  They also wear sandals (well, I feel they’re a no-no for blokes – makes them look like a pensioner).  It’s difficult to get cool – most shops don’t bother with adequate cooling and there’s never enough shade.  I also want to try that Magicool stuff but I hear it’s expensive.  It always threatens to rain whilst being hot – I don’t care though, I’m not wearing a sodding coat in this heat.  One more thing – I suffer from blondstroke.  A mix of the blond frame of mind and heatstroke, if you will – once it takes hold of me my mind turns to mush and I have the attention span of Nikki from Big Brother – I’m just not in the mood to do anything at all.

Reprieve is hopefully round the corner, with autumn and winter to warm my cold heart – this will bring a smile to my face once more, and the miserable looks on the masses will only help to make it bigger.  We’ve also got Halloween, Bonfire Night and Xmas as well to look forward too – my favourite holidays of the year!  Maybe next year I’ll try this hibernation thing some animals do, but of course the ‘correct’ way…

Until next time – It’s too hot to handle, this heat has got right out of hand.